Still Here With Me

Like an old mixtape,
I tried to erase you,
Ran you through the rewinder,
Tried to rewrite the truth.

I still see you in my mind,
Holding me ‘til we fall asleep.
That moment on repeat,
Playing over me.

I tried to let you fade out,
Tried to turn the volume low,
But every memory plays loud
Like you never let me go.

I’m moving forward, still you stay,
Living in the in between.
I don’t talk to you anymore,
But you’re still here with me.

The smell of your cologne still lingers,
Bergamot and spice.
Every time my phone lights up,
My heart forgets the time.

I’m moving forward, still you stay,
Living in the in-between.
I don’t talk to you anymore,
But you’re still here with me.

I tried to let you fade out,
Tried to leave you in the past,
But some love don’t disappear,
It just learns how to last.

I’m moving forward, still you stay,
Somewhere quiet in my mind.
I don’t talk to you anymore,
But I feel you all the time.

Deja vu

I lay awake from a dead sleep with this ashen-look upon my face.

It couldn’t be true.

How could I say good-bye to you?

I’ve mentally prepared myself for the day the shoe fell from the sky.

My brain neglected to inform my heart this time.

I saw this scene in a dream; you were lifeless,with your hands firmly pressed across your chest.

It was all too real, this imagery.

A piece from a journal written by shakespeare himself.

I described it perfectly.

You sat across from me, divulged in yet another one of your stories.

We laughed so hard, our eyes weeped.

The sky began to rain and everything changed.

I reached for your hand and poof!
You were gone again.

Gasping for breath I rose in the dark of night.

Sweat drenched my face and my heart beat outside my chest.

I wasn’t ready to not hear anymore stories.

I wasn’t ready to admit to weeks of unanswered texts.

I saw it in a dream;

You slid into a box and glided down the steps.

You made death seem so easy, as though all you had to do was close your eyes and sleep.

Images run through me like a kaleidoscopic wheel of unshed emotions.

I’ve called out to you.

Will you answer me?

Note: My big brother recently passed away and I wrote this poem with the hope that I could compact my feelings into a way that would allow me  to cope with his loss. Presently, it hasn’t fully sank in that he’s gone. I find myself crying randomly when theres no need to cry and laughing to distract my mind from enduring another emotional battle. The wounds are so new that sometimes I’m unaware that they even exist. I wanted to share this with you guys in hopes that they help you in whatever loss you may have endured.

Walkers

photo courtesy of mhi.wikia.com

Awoken from a trance to the throbbing within her head.

The lights became deafening as the voices turned to screams.

We never saw them coming as the people started running.

Her heart beat swiftly, so loudly that to her it was surprising.

Ears filled with cotton as ariel’s voice was long forgotten.

The smell of iron and ripping flesh filled the air like stale cigarettes.

Chaos erupted and the walkers were in the hundreds.

Swarming around us like honey to the bees.

A single drop of sweat trickled down her cheek and it was all a blur.

Her chest heaved high; she was alone.

The broken

I lay here just for a little while—
The room has ceased to spin and my mind boggles yet again.
I’m trapped inside myself with my heart beating outside my chest.
These walls are caving in and my mind fluctuates between reality and fantasy.
I can’t shake the memories—
Each vision of my surrender is like a thousand tiny blades into my back.
The pleas for peace in my broken voice and the tears of joy when the war was over were spoken in nothing more than a mere whisper.
The emotions resurfaced as the life inside me faded in and out of consciousness.
The little flicker of hope barely in existence and yet it’s clung to so dearly.
A small tremble escapes me during the aftermath and I’m forced to look up.
There is no god here, no one up there above the clouds to watch over those who can’t defend themselves.
The reinforcements are here, freeing me from this cell where I’ve served nearly two life terms.
I may be free to leave, but the bracelet attached to my ankle tells me they will always know where I am.
What is freedom if it comes with limits?
Is anyone ever really free to live?

A haunting tale

I tossed and turned and the visions become more vivid.
At times they became harder and harder to decipher what was real and what was make-believe.
My heart beat raced as my eyes flung open with current dismal.
I was falling deeper and deeper into a fixation that only my mind could trace.
What of this dream that’s somehow inside of another fantasy, one of which my eyes have cast to play tricks on me?
My mind rambled to rehash itself only to come up empty.
Defense mode has set in and every little sound released melancholy tears.
I whispered to myself, but the more the words flowed the crazier I began to sound.
This dream I’ve seen play before me isn’t a dream at all.
It’s a memory.
A memory constantly on repeat so I’ll never forget what happened to me.

Crimson tide

A gentle rock back and forth is all I have left of this calm.
The moment I open my eyes to the nothingness that’s left behind I will know
Nothing is safe here.
Not anymore.
I rest my cheek upon my knees and whisper the words of comfort.
“Everything will be alright,” I say as my eyes remain closed.
The salt-filled droplets behind my eyes release themselves with sickened tears.
I do believe that the storm has passed, but the memories remain as if it’s all the same and I can’t bring myself to say no to you.
I envision your face in front of me the moment I open my eyes to spy on you.
The look of hurt that leaves its holes in my heart.
My voice has gone missing from the slash within my throat that has left my windpipe damaged from the gash.
I almost wish the knife wounds had killed me and took along my memories.
I’ve wished for nothing more than the haze to take over me and remember nothing.
Not even you killing me in my dreams.
I look back upon this day and I never saw it coming.
A shower led to this moment taken from bliss.
No smiles or laughter, but the puffed up eyes caused by shed tears.
I wish you well wherever you’ve gone from here.

Portaled souls

I’ll say a little prayer for you while your soul heals
Mine a weeping mess in comparison, but I’ve got to do this.
I will rise in the moments of your departure with hopes of being your savior.
As the sun sets behind me and you look into my eyes, shimmering glory around me as the shadows form their halos around you
I will bring you back from the brink and embrace you with my strength.
I struggle just like you, but my silence won’t be the death of you.
Placing the headphone over my ears, drowning out the voices that try to get in.
Nothing will stop me from getting to you, not even them.
Their bodies are all I see when I open my eyes
And yet they have somehow wiggled into my dreams with chants of a comeback.
Death has trapped them
They are not alive nor are they dead.
Wandering the earth alone, Kruger’s of the world, so to speak.
I observe them daily, their faces pained and yet they don’t sleep.
They observe us too, and yet we are too blind to notice their rise from the middle
As they step through portals into our world.
That shiver up your back wasn’t a chill from the wind.
That pain within your chest isn’t heart burn.
They are here, the bodies from our past.
All that they want is to have their lives back.