The suitcase bandit

Life may go on and time may very well heal,
but for me it’s at a standstill.
Memories of what you could have looked like forever etched deeply into my brain.
If only I could have seen you just once to know if you were my carbon-copy.
I miss you.
Is it selfish when i inwardly shudder at the excitement of someone else’s happiness?
This dim place of illusive hideaways has become the labyrinth of my darkest days .
Taking a deep breath before I start my day while downing the glass of heated caffeine.
Into my veins goes the morphine.

Little angel

Photo courtesy of pediastaff.com

I knew from the day that I learned of your existence, my life would change for the better.

I dreamt of the moment my palms would grasp your face and my lips pressed softly against your cheek.

Sometimes I could hear you crying, as impossible as that may seem.

You, unnamed angel have brought me a sense of purpose.

Whenever I felt that flutter or sharp kick, my hands protectively pressed against my belly.

I waited patiently for you to grace this world and I was not disappointed.

I knew from the moment I saw you that you were mine.

My little angel.

You were the most beautiful being that I’ve ever seen and are now a mere memory.

How can a life be given only to be taken so quickly?

My heart filled with turmoil that I didn’t know how to express.

Unshed tears lodge themselves within my chest.

I want to remember you are you were, your little body pressed warmly against my heart as your fingers intertwine with mine.

I want to remember your smell; a smell of something brand new.

I want to remember  the feeling of joy when you looked up at me for the first time.

Our eyes locked in a momentary stare down that most would describe as bliss.

My body disintegrated as the void took over.

My chest heaved with sadness that quickly turned to darkness.

You, sweet angel were loved from the moment you were a grain of rice.

The world may carry on, but not I.

Mommy and daddy love you.

Our sweet little Daphne.

Author notes:
I would like to dedicate this poem to Ryan Rinehart and Britney Regenold. I heard about the passing of your sweet little angel and my heart immediately fell. It brought back a lot of memories for me and I would not wish that kind of pain on anyone and it is one of the worst kinds of pain in the entire world. You may feel like you are hollow shells, granted I too felt that way when I lost my little one a couple years ago, but you have each other to help you get through that pain. The loss will never go away, but over time it will get a little easier to get through the day. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to be angry. There is no time frame for how long someone can feel pain. You guys are a couple of the strongest people that I know and I know you will get through this. If you ever need an ear Andrew and I are here for you.

xoxo
Nikki

Purpose

There is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do as long as I have you.
I’d travel across the world and lay with you in the clouds while we watch the stars.
My body moves to the rhythm of your heart beat beneath my hand.
I am not enough, something is missing.
I feel incomplete.
I wake each day with a purpose, and today there is nothing.
I’m out of tune.
No graceful pep to my step
My eyes wander as if we just met.
I’ve failed you.
I’ve failed us.
I’m one step away from simply giving up.
We’ve retraced our steps and it’s suddenly out of sync.
My heart does not beat.
I do not breathe.
Lifeless and alone—I have nothing.

The broken

I lay here just for a little while—
The room has ceased to spin and my mind boggles yet again.
I’m trapped inside myself with my heart beating outside my chest.
These walls are caving in and my mind fluctuates between reality and fantasy.
I can’t shake the memories—
Each vision of my surrender is like a thousand tiny blades into my back.
The pleas for peace in my broken voice and the tears of joy when the war was over were spoken in nothing more than a mere whisper.
The emotions resurfaced as the life inside me faded in and out of consciousness.
The little flicker of hope barely in existence and yet it’s clung to so dearly.
A small tremble escapes me during the aftermath and I’m forced to look up.
There is no god here, no one up there above the clouds to watch over those who can’t defend themselves.
The reinforcements are here, freeing me from this cell where I’ve served nearly two life terms.
I may be free to leave, but the bracelet attached to my ankle tells me they will always know where I am.
What is freedom if it comes with limits?
Is anyone ever really free to live?

Absent minds make the heart grow fonder

I remember the day you stood up and stretched out your arm to hold my hand.
You assured me that everything would be OK—
But something didn’t seem to sink in.
My hands were shaking as the ground beneath me crumbled around my feet.
Your hand tightened around mine as the world we once knew blew up into a puff of smoke.
You promised that you would never leave my side—
Why did you lie?
I watched as the world before me slowly began to disintegrate within the flames, leaving tarnished bones behind.
Our houses left within the rubble along with the memories.
I walked through the streets, inhaling the ash from the buildings.
The smell of burning flesh almost made me lose my grip on reality.
A reality now stricken with gasoline-filled dreams.
You assured me that I wouldn’t be alone.
Where has your absent mind disappeared to now?