On the road

I remember that day as if it happened yesterday.
My throat raw from screaming as the tears remained streaky.
My chest was heaving as the images played slowly. 
I had a mouthful of fermented lies on our road to destruction.
Not a single worry in sight, my mind was made up.
I stared at the empty bottle in my hand and medication in the other.
One more foot in the coffin and I could have been amongst the stars.
You didn’t care whether I stayed and I didn’t care either.
You didn’t care that your secrets had consequences.
The tunnel approached again and the images went black.
My blood began to boil and I felt lost inside the numbness of my subconscious.
I clammed up, my heart beat within my ears.
This was it.
I was finally free.

Little angel

Photo courtesy of pediastaff.com

I knew from the day that I learned of your existence, my life would change for the better.

I dreamt of the moment my palms would grasp your face and my lips pressed softly against your cheek.

Sometimes I could hear you crying, as impossible as that may seem.

You, unnamed angel have brought me a sense of purpose.

Whenever I felt that flutter or sharp kick, my hands protectively pressed against my belly.

I waited patiently for you to grace this world and I was not disappointed.

I knew from the moment I saw you that you were mine.

My little angel.

You were the most beautiful being that I’ve ever seen and are now a mere memory.

How can a life be given only to be taken so quickly?

My heart filled with turmoil that I didn’t know how to express.

Unshed tears lodge themselves within my chest.

I want to remember you are you were, your little body pressed warmly against my heart as your fingers intertwine with mine.

I want to remember your smell; a smell of something brand new.

I want to remember  the feeling of joy when you looked up at me for the first time.

Our eyes locked in a momentary stare down that most would describe as bliss.

My body disintegrated as the void took over.

My chest heaved with sadness that quickly turned to darkness.

You, sweet angel were loved from the moment you were a grain of rice.

The world may carry on, but not I.

Mommy and daddy love you.

Our sweet little Daphne.

Author notes:
I would like to dedicate this poem to Ryan Rinehart and Britney Regenold. I heard about the passing of your sweet little angel and my heart immediately fell. It brought back a lot of memories for me and I would not wish that kind of pain on anyone and it is one of the worst kinds of pain in the entire world. You may feel like you are hollow shells, granted I too felt that way when I lost my little one a couple years ago, but you have each other to help you get through that pain. The loss will never go away, but over time it will get a little easier to get through the day. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to be angry. There is no time frame for how long someone can feel pain. You guys are a couple of the strongest people that I know and I know you will get through this. If you ever need an ear Andrew and I are here for you.

xoxo
Nikki

Purpose

There is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do as long as I have you.
I’d travel across the world and lay with you in the clouds while we watch the stars.
My body moves to the rhythm of your heart beat beneath my hand.
I am not enough, something is missing.
I feel incomplete.
I wake each day with a purpose, and today there is nothing.
I’m out of tune.
No graceful pep to my step
My eyes wander as if we just met.
I’ve failed you.
I’ve failed us.
I’m one step away from simply giving up.
We’ve retraced our steps and it’s suddenly out of sync.
My heart does not beat.
I do not breathe.
Lifeless and alone—I have nothing.

Crimson tide

A gentle rock back and forth is all I have left of this calm.
The moment I open my eyes to the nothingness that’s left behind I will know
Nothing is safe here.
Not anymore.
I rest my cheek upon my knees and whisper the words of comfort.
“Everything will be alright,” I say as my eyes remain closed.
The salt-filled droplets behind my eyes release themselves with sickened tears.
I do believe that the storm has passed, but the memories remain as if it’s all the same and I can’t bring myself to say no to you.
I envision your face in front of me the moment I open my eyes to spy on you.
The look of hurt that leaves its holes in my heart.
My voice has gone missing from the slash within my throat that has left my windpipe damaged from the gash.
I almost wish the knife wounds had killed me and took along my memories.
I’ve wished for nothing more than the haze to take over me and remember nothing.
Not even you killing me in my dreams.
I look back upon this day and I never saw it coming.
A shower led to this moment taken from bliss.
No smiles or laughter, but the puffed up eyes caused by shed tears.
I wish you well wherever you’ve gone from here.

The naked truth

Photo courtesy of suite101.com

Body temperature rises as the bile piles itself within my throat.
A slow, aching shiver caressed itself up my back and my voice began to choke.
Never in a million years did I see this coming
Hands on my knees, ready to bolt.
The tears began to well in my eyes as I fought back the emotions of what I had done.
I never saw it coming,
The day I sacrificed myself for someone else.
I bantered back and forth on which direction to go.
My argument strong and plausible, but something inside me knew it was wrong.
The life inside me urged me to believe
Afraid to make the wrong choice and land on a mine that will surely end our lives.
I ache inside as another brick is strategically placed on my heart.
Holding your hand as the life seeps through
The words vomiting into the canister beside us
A shaky realization of the sin that created the life that sickened me.
The clouds began to rumble as the rain poured itself on the world
Bathing us in all its horrid glory.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
My heart may be heavy, but I haven’t lost my memory.

Trigger back, release

The frown is back as the convulsions begin to rise in my throat.
These worried eyes shall remain remote.
Watching you from afar, whispers become audible as the sun hangs onto the light behind the trees.
The further I pull away to my safe haven behind my heart, the line moves forward before coming to a halt.
The creaking from the cable cars as it edged closer to the top.
“Close your eyes,” it says just before it drops.
My stomach rises to my throat as my hands reach for the sky—
The wind twirls around my fingers as it leaves me within a high.
The fear of being without you has never been so real.
The line gets closer and I can’t look much longer.
The tears I’ve yet to shed are present behind my eyes—
As emotional turmoil seeks to exist down my cheeks they pour their warm, salted droplets.

skyline

photo courtesy of notmyholiday.com

It was the eve into the midnight sky
Where I stood up once I realized
Nothing at all was what it once seemed.
We sat side by side, limbs not touching– not even for a mere greeting.
You looked at me and my eyes remained on the sky.
“Forgive me,” you managed to say.
Eyes of fiery rain boring into my brain.
My lips set into a firm line and nothing escaped.
Moments later our eyes met and the words “Forgiveness for what?” spilled out my pillowed mouth.
I looked around as if for a sign, nothing came to me.
Nothing at all stood out.
When you spoke, I could barely hear the words.
The muffled cries and pleas didn’t seem to subside.
My invisible midget of a man strapped himself to my backside
Not once allowing me to hear the words you so desperately wanted me to hear.
The whispered words and soft sighs made their way to the pages of tree-made paper
But I could not see the words for I am blinded by the agony that stabs at my heart.
Thump!
Thump!
Goes my heart, a murmuring downpour of emotional hell.
“This too shall pass,” say the little man on my back.
Cool, calm, and collected with the snap of a finger as the rage that brewed inside suppressed.