As I slowly approach the dirty thirty train, I sit back and think about my life thus far. I expected to be married with a kid or two and finished with my degree in journalism, while working in the field. A minuscule frown forms on my face as I realize I’ve carried out none of those things. I have done so much more for myself and the rest are works in progress. Life is one giant project with little projects within in and I have yet to tackle the major, and I will be old and decrepit when that time comes. To be honest, I’m finally ok with that.
I have spent most of my adult life in school and figuring myself out so I can try to explain it to someone else.
I’ve spent so much of life trying to please other people that I never stopped to think about what makes me happy and it’s a damn shame too. I’ve been searching for this forever person and found a bunch of “right now” people. Moving away from home was scary the first time, but an adventure the second time around. I had to learn to lean on people a little too closely and it drove me crazy! I grew up being taught to be self-sufficient and given the capability to care for myself. I had this, “I don’t need anybody” mentality. It was the wrong mindset to have and not everyone expects something in return, though I learned this later in life.
I am stubborn as hell and never wanted to be perceived as needy or a failure. I am very analytical and am fascinated with the way things work. I haven’t mastered life, but I’m working on it and never too old to learn. I’ve come to realize that this is my own horse race and being compared to someone else’s race drives me nuts. I have so much to learn and am excited to learn them all with due time, though I can’t learn them all today. This year is off to a great start. I’ve dropped the baggage of 2016 and go forward lighter and more free. So before you raise your heads haughtily toward the sky and think you’ve got it all figured out, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Really?”
Words of expression 
You say you’ve reached a stage where you are okay with yourself, even if you haven’t reached the listed goals. But, if you’re still a work in progress, what you have/can explain of yourself to others remains incomplete like a damaged cave painting or scroll. And, for someone content, you say it’s a shame you’ve spent more time pleasing others than yourself.
I have been thinking about the same situation. But, I am starting to wonder…what if pleasing others is just your (and my) place in this world? What if some of us are pleasers while others are doers/achievers, warriors, etc.? What if pleasers were just as important as the rest and not meant to match them?
Saying you’re on your own horse race, that just gives me chills of solitude. It’s just one of those isolating thoughts that separates us from the rest of the world, making it a bit harder to socialize and relate.
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hey look at it this way– youre almost a decade younger than me, and we are thinking similar things.
good luck– and dont be too hard on yourself, it wont change a thing for the better. (id could be farther along now if i hadnt decided to be too hard on myself when i was growing up. that sort of pointless, self-defeating torture has got to stop at some point.)
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Thank you! I really appreciate that 🙂
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