Reflection

As I slowly approach the dirty thirty train, I sit back and think about my life thus far. I expected to be married with a kid or two and finished with my degree in journalism, while working in the field. A minuscule frown forms on my face as I realize I’ve carried out none of those things. I have done so much more for myself and the rest are works in progress. Life is one giant project with little projects within in and I have yet to tackle the major, and I will be old and decrepit when that time comes. To be honest, I’m finally ok with that.

I have spent most of my adult life in school and figuring myself out so I can try to explain it to someone else.
I’ve spent so much of life trying to please other people that I never stopped to think about what makes me happy and it’s a damn shame too. I’ve been searching for this forever person and found a bunch of “right now” people. Moving away from home was scary the first time, but an adventure the second time around. I had to learn to lean on people a little too closely and it drove me crazy! I grew up being taught to be self-sufficient and given the capability to care for myself. I had this, “I don’t need anybody” mentality. It was the wrong mindset to have and not everyone expects something in return, though I learned this later in life.

I am stubborn as hell and never wanted to be perceived as needy or a failure. I am very analytical and am fascinated with the way things work. I haven’t mastered life, but I’m working on it and never too old to learn. I’ve come to realize that this is my own horse race and being compared to someone else’s race drives me nuts. I have so much to learn and am excited to learn them all with due time, though I can’t learn them all today. This year is off to a great start. I’ve dropped the baggage of 2016 and go forward lighter and more free. So before you raise your heads haughtily toward the sky and think you’ve got it all figured out, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Really?”

Take a step back

      I have been having a lot of disturbing emotions lately about everything that has been going on in the world lately. My heart feels heavy and I feel the pain from all sides of the spectrum. I have been having vivid premonitions and we as a people need to take a step back and look at what we are doing to one another. We are murdering each other left and right and for what?Vengeance? What does that even mean? Will it free your souls at the end of each night to cause pain to someone else who wasn’t part of the problem? Does it make you feel righteous inside and somewhat dignified?

 

      We all need to take a step back and look at the ground. I see blood and bodies and our loved who can no longer make a sound. For a moment I saw a movie set with flashing lights and moving cameras and then I closed my eyes and realized my mind was deceived. It wasn’t a movie, it was my reality. I close my eyes at night and I can hear the screams of people in Dallas running from the scene as the shooter lays another round to one of the guys in blue; then he went down. My heart beat for a moment and gravitated toward my throat. The lump that formed held the tears in check.

      My body shook and it was over, but not really. The very next day it happened again. In another state, another city, another country. The body count rose tremendously as more families mourned their sons, daughters and neighbors. When will we realize that violences doesn’t cancel itself out with more bloodshed? I’ve seen whole cities come together in the streets with their candles in hand with heads bowing. We need to take a step back and come together as a single unit instead of part of a whole picture. Light skin doesn’t make us any less capable of violence than dark skin. When we realize that sin comes in all colors, shapes, and sizes we will begin to see one another equally. You are no better than me.

Target practice

Call me a sap,but a partnership between two people whom have confessed their love to one another means the ability to be vulnerable.

A few shed tears should not be found repulsive, but wiped clear with the tip of ones finger.

Tragedies happen every day and some so tragic we hiss at the light star and tell it to go away.

Secrets should be myths passed down to scare the kids.

Trust doesn’t come easily so don’t relinquish your word if you don’t mean it.

Do as I say, never as I do is ridiculous and created by starving hypocrites.

If you can’t share you deepest and darkest emotions with the ones you claim to love, then is it really love at all?

Until Dawn

She gazed out the window,
watching as the world slowly disappeared.
It’s never easy letting go.
The memories of yesterday will never be the same.
Her face pressed against the glass, fingers stretched in search of a sign that will save them.
No one existed, the animals have stopped running.
Her face moved vertically to the left as they came through the streets and slaughtered the remaining life forces.
One by one they grew and made a beeline toward the window where she once stood
She was afraid to move as the handle of the door jingled.
It took every fiber of her being not to scream.
Her heart beat outside of her chest as she ran toward the back.
The scratching of the window panes screeched as they tried to get in.
She rocked herself back and forth before placing her shaky palms over her ears,
as the sweat tricked down her cheek.
The voices were still present, but muffled to a near mute.
A voice once raspy has steadied.
They’re gone now.
Lets move.

Beauty is brains

I sit.
I breathe.
I eat.
I drink you in.
Batting my lashes in hopes of you noticing all five-foot-seven of me.
I’ve got legs and curves like they do.
What do they have that I don’t?
Is my dress too close to my knees and my breasts not bursting at the seams?
Is that what it takes to get your approval?
Shall I straddle you on the bar stool as I lift my dress just far enough to leave you gasping with questions while your mind goes into overdrive wondering what you’re missing?
Shall I dance on top of the bar top provocatively as I slid down into the arms of strangers that place money into my bra ever so eagerly?
Will that make you happy?
I’m not some raunchy sex-crazed woman with low self-esteem.
I don’t need to prance around in my birthday suit to keep eyes gazing.
I command it by simply being me.
A beautiful mind will get you further than a beautiful body that will someday wither.

Bad Girls Rule The World

We can pretend it’s the goodness within her heart that keeps her around.
You don’t see what I see when you’re not around.
I’ve sat back within the chair that rocks as she pour her emptied soul into the people
And they fall to their knees blinded by the rays that she preached.
The mist that seeps past her lips is only an illusion of the poison within her veins
Pumping energy before its stuns the living into believing she’s a saint.
Thump!
Thump, goes her heart, slightly irregular
And you hear the beat of the drums, but no one plays because it’s all in your head.
A web of lies woven around you, squeezing tighter with each circle until the very existence of you is cocooned and life leaves you with no notice of return.
I watch as she laughs that innocent laugh of triumph and no one heard a thing, but I can see her wings.
They aren’t what you would imagine an angel to carry.
The wings of a bat magnified is what I see and she soars through the sky like the vulture surrounded by corpses that was I.
She made me believe in those angelic eyes.
I was consumed by her web of lies as she strangled me in her mist of treachery only to take my essence and leave my body.
I sit trapped in a realm between the living and the deceased, tortured by the screams of her striking again.

Mommy’s dream

photo courtesy of topnews.com.sg

You used to hold my hand so tight.
It felt like the tendons would snap.
But the pain alone was enough to know I was still alive.
We sat across from one another and only you would know what I was thinking
My expressions were hard to stifle and yet you understood me.
It’s hard to believe that you and I created life.
One part you.
One part me.
She was beautiful—
So innocent wrapped up inside of me, anxious to break free.
Our arms held out for so long, but that moment never came as the tears welled up inside of me
They never shed, only the pressure built.
I waited, but nothing ever happened.
My heart felt as though it was paralyzed and yet it still moved.
The shock of your departure still haunts me as I breathe in your scent of lavender mint.
One by one the droplets fell down my cheeks as I held your memory close.
Brows furrow as my lip quivered, willing it to stop.
It feels like just yesterday when we went over names.
Now you’re a memory that no one remembers, but I do.
I won’t forget you peanut.
Mommy loves you.

Day dreamer pt.2

Staying up most nights, thinking with my eyes closed,
Trying to find my way back through the maze that leads to the dream tunnel.
Round and round I go, everything looks as if it had before.
Round and round I go until there it was,
Right in front of my eyes.
The dark warp-like space that is was

This is where they go, deep into the subconscious.
I found myself stepping through the dark, black hole, more or less willing
I was sucked in like a vacuum—transported into the realm of the not so living.
Brushing myself against a tree that felt so real it cut me.
Drip, drip, drip went my blood seeping from my scraped elbow.
I even felt the sting.

Holding my hand against my flesh wound I began walking and the smell of iron became ever so present.
They all stared at me like I was some kind of alien, these people.
Watching me and I held myself together and pushed through the crowd of them
Curious eyes meeting mine over and over again
Until  boom!

My face greeted with my pillow
And I felt a little shiver
Turning my head and there it was
You, a figment of my imagination.
Or was it?

Daydreamer

Awakened from a slumber only to be a figment of my imagination of mindless riddles coexisting with one another.
T’was I that sought you out.
Running toward a mirror image of you to nothing at all.
Endlessly chasing a being that only I can see.
Look at me!
A mind that once wandered for the very thing that made me happy– to chasing a dream that places me in yet another dream of a tortured soul that has become me.
We walk side by side, your hand in mine and happiness replacing the soul that once possessed me into a hollow casket in a soiled earth-like place.
That look you gave me is a look I implant into my mind and close my eyes to a restless sleep and there you are a morbid you that isn’t really you at all.
Your eyes gaze back at me
Your mouth quivering as if to speak but nothing seeps through.
Dreaming of you as the sun begins to rise and my body trembles from a cold draft that pushes me toward another endless cycles of rambling.
My love,
My one and only
If following you through the fragments of memories is my only resolution than I shall follow you forevermore.