Memory

The cloth placed firmly over my eyes.
My mind races to the sound of her little cries

My senses kick in
as her tiny limbs brush across my dusted skin

The softness clings long after her departure
A smell of “brand new” that turns me into the lone-archer

Every night before I shut my eyes
I pray to the skies and ask the good Lord, why?

Something.
Anything.
I just want to hear her one last time.

My mind can’t phantom the permanence of never
Fragments of the future makes my rusted heart “pitter-patter.”

We hang on to these false memories
Our mind’s defenses to a shared remembrance

A face one tries so hard to get right
Become the very corrosion we’ve tried to wipe clean

Somewhere, deep down
Between the grime and muck

A little girl will run
Screaming, “mommy, up!”

Reflection

As I slowly approach the dirty thirty train, I sit back and think about my life thus far. I expected to be married with a kid or two and finished with my degree in journalism, while working in the field. A minuscule frown forms on my face as I realize I’ve carried out none of those things. I have done so much more for myself and the rest are works in progress. Life is one giant project with little projects within in and I have yet to tackle the major, and I will be old and decrepit when that time comes. To be honest, I’m finally ok with that.

I have spent most of my adult life in school and figuring myself out so I can try to explain it to someone else.
I’ve spent so much of life trying to please other people that I never stopped to think about what makes me happy and it’s a damn shame too. I’ve been searching for this forever person and found a bunch of “right now” people. Moving away from home was scary the first time, but an adventure the second time around. I had to learn to lean on people a little too closely and it drove me crazy! I grew up being taught to be self-sufficient and given the capability to care for myself. I had this, “I don’t need anybody” mentality. It was the wrong mindset to have and not everyone expects something in return, though I learned this later in life.

I am stubborn as hell and never wanted to be perceived as needy or a failure. I am very analytical and am fascinated with the way things work. I haven’t mastered life, but I’m working on it and never too old to learn. I’ve come to realize that this is my own horse race and being compared to someone else’s race drives me nuts. I have so much to learn and am excited to learn them all with due time, though I can’t learn them all today. This year is off to a great start. I’ve dropped the baggage of 2016 and go forward lighter and more free. So before you raise your heads haughtily toward the sky and think you’ve got it all figured out, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Really?”

Vows

I didn’t know what I was missing
I’ve lived life with no vision.
I was their puppet of non-completion.

My heart constricted and the world slipped from my grasp.
It displayed across the projector,
Like a thornless rose that let true light pass.

I’ve woken countless times.
Days, weeks,
Months and I’m still mesmerized.

Captivating eyes with hues of green.
Accentuated jawline and the urge to breathe.
Nothing more exquisite can come of this.

I’m enchanted,
Elated,
Swooned by your glory.

I’ve never needed another being to live,
Often felt winded by this presence,
But without you I’ve lost all direction.

I’ve become the cat without whiskers.
The fish without fins.
and the bird without wings.

You, my darling was the great treasure the pirate captains were searching for.
You are no fool’s gold.
A once tarnished gem of the purest form.

Never say never

Sometimes no matter how hard you try,
watering the lawn won’t bring back the grass.

A swift bang against the surface won’t bring back common sense.

We try to do right in this world, but what does that even mean?

We are at a cross-road

Eyes gazing forward as the light turns green.

The anguish is building as the sand fills in.

Our feet grounded with nowhere to go.

We have slipped into our subconscious, eyes glossed over.

No one is home within this soulless cell.

We try so hard to please those closest to us, but end up failing in the process.

Our barriers are up and no one is willing to budge.

We talk, but no one listens.

When will enough be simply enough?

You say I won’t survive without you, but you’ve never seen me run.

I will have to thank you someday, this has been real fun.

So until then flip on your T.V and watch me on the news.